Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Monday, March 14, 2016
mourning a miscarriage
How do you mourn a person you’ve never
met? A face you’ve never seen? A birthday that never happened? How do you
mourn a miscarriage in a world that, for the most part, doesn’t acknowledge
that life begins at conception? When my husband and I lost a baby in 2013 I was
overcome with grief. But to my surprise, was also overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt
for the sorrow I experienced for the baby I longed to hold in my arms and
dreamt about at night. A piece of me was gone and nothing could fill the void.
I felt lost in my grief. Not only was I deeply saddened but I also couldn’t
shake the guilt. I didn’t know how to grieve this kind of loss. I was desperate
for clarity and comfort. Since sharing my story I’ve learned that there are
many who feel the same way. It’s difficult to grieve a baby you didn’t name and
have no birth certificate to show proof of life. No pictures or a tombstone to
visit. No celebration of life ceremony. My heart breaks for the countless women
who suffer in their grief alone. Before they could share the good news of new
life it was gone. There was no opportunity for anyone to ask, how are
you doing? Maybe you shared the news and people said, “don’t worry,
you can have another baby? Or, “at least you lost the baby earlier on.” Perhaps
I would have said the same thing if I had not experienced the sorrow and
sadness first hand.
If you are like me and you feel lost in
your grief this is for you. If you’ve experienced the pain of a
miscarriage, this is for you. Perhaps you can’t count on one or both hands how
many times you’ve faced this kind of loss, this is for you. Possibly you mourn
a baby because it was your choice, this is for you. I’ve heard so many stories
of women who are stuck in their grief because their loss was a choice. A loss
is a loss no matter when or under what circumstances. The good news that never
changes and is constant in every one of our stories is that God forgives and He
heals.
The journey to healing looks different
for everyone. There’s no ‘how to’ or a ‘five step fool proof method’. I can
only share my journey and pray you will be encouraged wherever you are in
yours. Mine started with the guilt I had for my grief. God reminded me that
despite what the world says, life begins at conception. Scripture is clear that
God creates and knows the tiny babes He knits together in our womb.
“I
knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb…” Jeremiah 1:5:
For
you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I
praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being
made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my
unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that
were formed for me, when “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and
before you were born I consecrated you...” Psalm 139:13-16
Just as my four living, breathing,
beautiful children were formed before the foundations of the world, so was the
baby I lost. I may not have known if my child was a boy or a girl but He does.
I may not have been able to give him or her a name but in Jesus, my child not
only has a name, but is fully known and loved by God. I gained such peace knowing that I had every right to
grieve over my loss. Grief defined is “deep sorrow,
especially caused by someone's death.” A miscarriage is a death. It may seem as
if I am oversimplifying things, but it was what my heart needed to know and
understand. It gave me permission to grieve. Grief is necessary after death.
Grief is good and healthy. So grieve and mourn. Pour out your heart to
God. Trust me, He is big enough to take our hurt, honesty and
vulnerability. He welcomes it! There’s no condemnation or judgment, only love,
peace and comfort (Romans 8:1, John 3:17.) Don’t try to hide from your pain and guilt.
Instead run towards Jesus, our Peace and Comforter.
The next part of my journey was sharing
my story. I wrote this in my journal just weeks after we lost our baby, “God in His infinite love and grace has put several
women in my life who have experienced the loss of a baby at different stages of
their pregnancy. They have been a place of refuge and hope as I walk this
path of healing. God has used their stories
to bring me so much hope and strength. I’m constantly blown away by their
bravery. They give me so much comfort, not so much with words, but unity in
spirit. A companionship of pain that is hard to put into words.”
The women who have shared their stories
with me, inspire me to be brave and tell my story (Psalm 40:5)…
March 14th, 2014 was the day
God took us on a journey of heartbreak, hope and healing. Our journey
began at the emergency room. In the midst of so many
unknowns and agonizing waiting we felt the nearness of our God who
would carry us through. After a battery of blood work, tests,
pokes, and prodding an ultra-sound confirmed the secret of new life
we had been keeping to ourselves. A tiny little baby we already loved, but
sadly it also exposed a life threatening condition that needed to be resolved
immediately. So we held each other in a cold and lonely hospital room
praying for a miracle. I awoke from surgery with news that I would make a full
recovery but that we had lost the baby. That day forever changed my life and
tested my faith. Even in the midst of so much sadness I felt God asking us to
embrace with faith what we've always said in our hearts to be true. It's one
thing to proclaim with our mouth the Truth, but it's something all together
different to believe and embrace the Light when you are in the thick of
darkness, tossing in unrest and the turbulence of uncertainty in the midst of a
storm. Could we believe Him in this place of
loss and heartbreak? Does He really draw near and heal the
brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3,
Isaiah 61:1)? Is He truly good all the time?
Does He really catch all our tears and redeem our pain?
Pain is pain. Heartbreak is heartbreak. BUT with God, in the midst
of it all, we were filled with hope and peace. We experienced all these
promises to be true in such a beautiful way. His Word says that the Sun of
Righteousness will arise and bring healing on His wings. Until that glorious
day we can praise Him in the valley because He leads us by waters of rest and
restores our souls (Psalm 3:3, Hebrews 12:2, Psalm 24).
Share your story. Write it out or tell
a friend. Not only is it healing for our souls but there’s great power
in our testimonies. Not only do I believe that God works all things together
for good (Romans 8: 28), but His great power and glory is seen in our
stories (John 9:3). Even so, what really excites me about sharing our
testimonies is that “many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will
put their trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:3, emphasis mine). Glory!
The next piece in my journey of healing
was battling fear (Psalm 34:4). I had to take my fear about our future and lay it at
the feet of Jesus. Fear at best steals our joy and at worst suffocates and
paralyzes us. We didn’t know if our family was complete or if God would
give us another baby. Miraculously, I did become pregnant six weeks after I
miscarried. My husband and I had to make a conscience decision to not be
fearful about the pregnancy. Instead we chose to rejoice that our God
does the impossible. Life is precious. Babies are a miracle no matter the
circumstances. The Lord gives and He takes away. And we were going to praise
Him either way. But it was a choice!
The final
piece in my journey of healing is on going. It’s simply to remember and
celebrate. In the recovery room while still in the hospital I wrote this, “Tomorrow,
I will be discharged from the labor and delivery floor as I have several times
before. Three of which we introduced a new baby into our family. Sadly, this
time I'll leave with empty hands, a heavy heart, and three new scars on my
abdomen.” Scars are interesting. They’re a permanent reminder of
something painful. My scars remind me of loss. At first they were hard to look
at. But as God began healing my heart they now signify His rich mercy, perfect
love and beautiful healing. Because of His healing we can celebrate our baby.
There are many ways you can do this. I would encourage you to pray and celebrate your baby’s life
however you see fit for your family. We chose something very simple, to release
white balloons in honor of our little one each year on March 14th.
“Instead,
be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering,
so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed
to all the world" (1 Peter 4:13).
It’s not a surprise that we will endure
hardships, trials, and loss as we live in a broken world. Our confidence is
found in the Cross-where our pain has purpose, in our grief we experience
Grace, in our sadness we have Hope and in our loss we are gifted with Peace
that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). In our suffering we have
fellowship with Jesus and we gain a deeper knowledge of who He is. With God, we
can know with full assurance that whatever we go through will be used for our
good and His glory!
Remember
healing is a journey. Be patient with the process. Let people love you the best
way they know how. Be patient with others who may feel awkward and not say the
right thing. Give them grace and let God fill the gap. Press into Jesus. He alone
will heal your heart. Let Him minister to you through His life giving Word and
don’t hesitate to borrow hope from someone else’s story.
Do you have a story of loss?
Have you ever shared it before?
If not, would you be brave and share it in the comments below?
Or email me your story?
I would love to hear it and pray for you.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
our love story
photo taken with permission from @sweetersidemom |
When I was about six years old I told my mom I wanted to
learn how to talk with my hands. My mom, not exactly sure what I meant by that
statement, bought me my first sign language book for Christmas. I
poured over that book and taught myself how to sign and became fluent by age
ten. I loved signing my favorite songs and interpreting television shows and
commercials as a means to practice. My freshman year of high school was the
first year that the state of Texas accepted American Sign Language as a foreign
language requirement. So of course, I signed up and not only learned more about
ASL but also about the deaf culture. When I graduated high school, I had the
opportunity to become a sign language interpreter at the same high school I
graduated and then later found my way to an elementary school where I was an
interpreter for several years. I went on to take ASL in college and joined a
group of deaf collage students who meet up each week in the cafeteria. I’m sure
they were curious to know my fascination with the language and culture, but
they were always generous, patient, and accepting of a hearing person who so
loved their language and wanted to communicate with them.
Will was born deaf and raised in a hearing family. He
learned to lip read and took extensive speech classes for several years. Although
he was learning sign language, he only had access to oral interpreters throughout his education. After high school, he went off to the University of North Texas
where our paths would soon cross.
For several years my mom and I attended a women’s retreat through
our church. One year in our small group I met Randi. She was an ASL interpreter
at both the college I attended as well as my church. When she found out I was
also an interpreter she invited me to worship with her the following Sunday,
which I did. At first Randi and I were the only two people worshiping in the
reserved section until, from the corner of my eye, I noticed a young man who walked
in just before the sermon began. After church Randi introduced us. We talked
for nearly an hour when suddenly, with a puzzled look on his face, he asked me a
bizarre question, “are you deaf or hearing”? I laughed and said I’m
hearing. This was the beginning of a three-year
courtship and we married in 2005. Randi was the interpreter at our wedding.
It’s funny because I don’t think of our story as being
particularly special or unique until I remember that God ordained it all before the foundation of the earth.
I don’t ever want to take away from His goodness and provision. Only God could create such a beautiful story: a hearing person with one foot
in the deaf world and a deaf person with one foot in the hearing world who, by
the grace of God, met, married, and are building a beautiful, messy, slightly crazy, wonderful life together. I’m so thankful
His plans are exceeding better than mine.
Nothing says I love you more than lasagna. Am I right? If you're wanting an easy (and I do mean easy) recipe to a classic meal to celebrate this day of love, check out my post called 'love & lasagna'. Happy Valentines Day!
I do love a good love story.
I would love to read yours in the comment below.
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