mourning a miscarriage

How do you mourn a person you’ve never met? A face you’ve never seen? A birthday that never happened? How do you mourn a miscarriage in a world that, for the most part, doesn’t acknowledge that life begins at conception? When my husband and I lost a baby in 2013 I was overcome with grief. But to my surprise, was also overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt for the sorrow I experienced for the baby I longed to hold in my arms and dreamt about at night. A piece of me was gone and nothing could fill the void. I felt lost in my grief. Not only was I deeply saddened but I also couldn’t shake the guilt. I didn’t know how to grieve this kind of loss. I was desperate for clarity and comfort. Since sharing my story I’ve learned that there are many who feel the same way. It’s difficult to grieve a baby you didn’t name and have no birth certificate to show proof of life. No pictures or a tombstone to visit. No celebration of life ceremony. My heart breaks for the countless women who suffer in their grief alone. Before they could share the good news of new life it was gone.  There was no opportunity for anyone to ask, how are you doing?  Maybe you shared the news and people said, “don’t worry, you can have another baby? Or, “at least you lost the baby earlier on.” Perhaps I would have said the same thing if I had not experienced the sorrow and sadness first hand.

If you are like me and you feel lost in your grief this is for you.  If you’ve experienced the pain of a miscarriage, this is for you. Perhaps you can’t count on one or both hands how many times you’ve faced this kind of loss, this is for you. Possibly you mourn a baby because it was your choice, this is for you. I’ve heard so many stories of women who are stuck in their grief because their loss was a choice. A loss is a loss no matter when or under what circumstances. The good news that never changes and is constant in every one of our stories is that God forgives and He heals.

The journey to healing looks different for everyone. There’s no ‘how to’ or a ‘five step fool proof method’. I can only share my journey and pray you will be encouraged wherever you are in yours. Mine started with the guilt I had for my grief. God reminded me that despite what the world says, life begins at conception. Scripture is clear that God creates and knows the tiny babes He knits together in our womb.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb…” Jeremiah 1:5:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you...” Psalm 139:13-16

Just as my four living, breathing, beautiful children were formed before the foundations of the world, so was the baby I lost. I may not have known if my child was a boy or a girl but He does. I may not have been able to give him or her a name but in Jesus, my child not only has a name, but is fully known and loved by God. I gained such peace knowing that I had every right to grieve over my loss. Grief defined is “deep sorrow, especially caused by someone's death.” A miscarriage is a death. It may seem as if I am oversimplifying things, but it was what my heart needed to know and understand. It gave me permission to grieve. Grief is necessary after death. Grief is good and healthy. So grieve and mourn. Pour out your heart to God.  Trust me, He is big enough to take our hurt, honesty and vulnerability. He welcomes it! There’s no condemnation or judgment, only love, peace and comfort (Romans 8:1, John 3:17.) Don’t try to hide from your pain and guilt.  Instead run towards Jesus, our Peace and Comforter.

The next part of my journey was sharing my story. I wrote this in my journal just weeks after we lost our baby, “God in His infinite love and grace has put several women in my life who have experienced the loss of a baby at different stages of their pregnancy.  They have been a place of refuge and hope as I walk this path of healing.  God has used their stories to bring me so much hope and strength. I’m constantly blown away by their bravery. They give me so much comfort, not so much with words, but unity in spirit.  A companionship of pain that is hard to put into words.”

The women who have shared their stories with me, inspire me to be brave and tell my story (Psalm 40:5)…

March 14^th, 2014 was the day God took us on a journey of heartbreak, hope and healing. Our journey began at the emergency room. In the midst of so many unknowns and agonizing waiting we felt the nearness of our God who would carry us through. After a battery of blood work, tests, pokes, and prodding an ultra-sound confirmed the secret of new life we had been keeping to ourselves. A tiny little baby we already loved, but sadly it also exposed a life threatening condition that needed to be resolved immediately. So we held each other in a cold and lonely hospital room praying for a miracle. I awoke from surgery with news that I would make a full recovery but that we had lost the baby. That day forever changed my life and tested my faith. Even in the midst of so much sadness I felt God asking us to embrace with faith what we've always said in our hearts to be true. It's one thing to proclaim with our mouth the Truth, but it's something all together different to believe and embrace the Light when you are in the thick of darkness, tossing in unrest and the turbulence of uncertainty in the midst of a storm.  Could we believe Him in this place of loss and heartbreak? Does He really draw near and heal the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3, Isaiah 61:1)? Is He truly good all the time? Does He really catch all our tears and redeem our pain? Pain is pain.  Heartbreak is heartbreak. BUT with God, in the midst of it all, we were filled with hope and peace. We experienced all these promises to be true in such a beautiful way. His Word says that the Sun of Righteousness will arise and bring healing on His wings. Until that glorious day we can praise Him in the valley because He leads us by waters of rest and restores our souls (Psalm 3:3, Hebrews 12:2, Psalm 24).

Share your story. Write it out or tell a friend. Not only is it healing for our souls but there’s great power in our testimonies. Not only do I believe that God works all things together for good (Romans 8: 28), but His great power and glory is seen in our stories (John 9:3). Even so, what really excites me about sharing our testimonies is that “many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord (Psalm 40:3, emphasis mine). Glory!

The next piece in my journey of healing was battling fear (Psalm 34:4). I had to take my fear about our future and lay it at the feet of Jesus. Fear at best steals our joy and at worst suffocates and paralyzes us.  We didn’t know if our family was complete or if God would give us another baby. Miraculously, I did become pregnant six weeks after I miscarried. My husband and I had to make a conscience decision to not be fearful about the pregnancy.  Instead we chose to rejoice that our God does the impossible. Life is precious. Babies are a miracle no matter the circumstances. The Lord gives and He takes away. And we were going to praise Him either way. But it was a choice!

The final piece in my journey of healing is on going. It’s simply to remember and celebrate. In the recovery room while still in the hospital I wrote this, “Tomorrow, I will be discharged from the labor and delivery floor as I have several times before. Three of which we introduced a new baby into our family. Sadly, this time I'll leave with empty hands, a heavy heart, and three new scars on my abdomen.”  Scars are interesting. They’re a permanent reminder of something painful. My scars remind me of loss. At first they were hard to look at. But as God began healing my heart they now signify His rich mercy, perfect love and beautiful healing. Because of His healing we can celebrate our baby. There are many ways you can do this.  I would encourage you to pray and celebrate your baby’s life however you see fit for your family. We chose something very simple, to release white balloons in honor of our little one each year on March 14^th. 

“Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world" (1 Peter 4:13).

It’s not a surprise that we will endure hardships, trials, and loss as we live in a broken world. Our confidence is found in the Cross-where our pain has purpose, in our grief we experience Grace, in our sadness we have Hope and in our loss we are gifted with Peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). In our suffering we have fellowship with Jesus and we gain a deeper knowledge of who He is. With God, we can know with full assurance that whatever we go through will be used for our good and His glory!  

Remember healing is a journey. Be patient with the process. Let people love you the best way they know how. Be patient with others who may feel awkward and not say the right thing. Give them grace and let God fill the gap. Press into Jesus. He alone will heal your heart. Let Him minister to you through His life giving Word and don’t hesitate to borrow hope from someone else’s story.

Do you have a story of loss? 

Have you ever shared it before? 

If not, would you be brave and share it in the comments below? 

Or email me your story? 

I would love to hear it and pray for you.